Are Those Your Tzitzit Or Are You Just Happy to See Me

I was surfing the net during one of those periods where you have time to fill with whatever. I love 'whatever' because you never know what you might discover from desultory exploration. Usually 'whatever' happens in the middle of the night when you don't have to feel guilty- unless you feel guilty for not reading Tehillim (psalms) or studying a bit of Torah instead.

I love the Hasidic view of Torah where practically anything you study which is Jewish constitutes Torah. Torah is alive, and so, in effect, everything is an extension of living Torah- whether it is studying Tanakh, Talmud, mussar, midrash, Hasidic tales, meditation, Kabbalah, Zohar or commentary of all sorts including words by all the gedolim (greats) throughout the ages until this very moment in time; this includes practically any medium that is religiously Jewish, and that includes, in my opinion, the videos of "Mysteries of the Bible". Which means that at any time I engage in Jewish learning or inquiry, it is Torah. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Torah Babe".

Since I have been reading webjournals by all and sundry Jews, one of the overriding themes in many blogs is the shidduch, a rather clear-eyed match- people are looking to find someone to marry. Some even employ the services of a shadchan, a matchmaker. This is a tradition found largely in the Orthodox community. Regardless of affiliation, my oh my there are sooooo many singles looking for a soulmate!

So, out of curiosity, I have scanned the men of a certain age thinking there ought to be a paucity. I went to Frumster, because if you affiliate as a serious Conservative Jewess, you are pretty well lost and adrift in a sea of secular Jews in places like JDate. Just examining the offerings is an interesting sociological study. After punching in the particulars for Modern Orthodox-Liberal (I don't even know what that means but I was attracted to the word "liberal"), a slew of potentials arose. Wow!

I figured they would all be dull. I was wrong. The presentation of some was so personal and outstanding. They wrote in their own words, detailing their loves, without reservation, and set down their limits. If I were looking I would take a chance. Man, I felt like they were the flower and I was the bee; I give huge props to anyone who can capture my interest, which is generally very hard to do. Some went for the standard immodest parading of golden shekels (so tacky), others for describing their houses in certain attractive places( I have a fetish for "home") or promised travel, some knew enough to entice and others knew nothing, but their desire was sympatico with mine. And of course, just write "Israel" in your particulars and I am yours. I realised that even with the number narrowed down, taking the plunge is still such a crap shoot!

It's easy to scissor away certain people that you will never gel with. The guy whose picture does not appeal after you read the in-depth stuff. The ones where his politically and flagrantly right leanings (I am a bleeding heart socialist) are not mitigated by the rest of his essentials. The guy who has never been married at a very ripe age. The one who is looking for looks and fitness (why did you never graduate from this phase?) or someone who at his advanced age, wants to breed for the first time. Hello????? Do you have buckets of money???? The ones who proffer no picture; forget it, it ain't gonna happen. Skimming this stuff, it is hard not to try to give the benefit; I do know that if these men were hanging out in my sphere in real life it would be better for both of us, because the written stuff is still PR, and necessarily objectifies us. In real life, upon acquaintance, no one remains a thing. I pity the seekers for the very real hardship, disappointment and rejection they must bear, while simultaneously according them nothing but my deepest respect for their bravery.

I happened upon a photo of one man who was not unattractive (and anyone who does not resemble my ex qualifies- he of the all-too-familiar and pleasant face) , but I find attraction is very idiosyncratic, so pix are really, really important. What made me swoon ( if I were so inclined) was that he was wearing tzitzit. I am a sucker for the right man in tzitzit; it's very shallow of me, I know. I don't think this is the norm, though, so don't try to entice a woman with your fringes, even if the knotting is Sephardic.

The first time I davenned on Yom Kippur, there was a beautiful madder rose lace curtain that consituted the mechitza (barrier). I was there because I had nowhere else to go and I shall always be grateful to the shul for a venue (the wonderful Laugh Factory was a whole other story). The women largely schmoozed and some papered the walls with loshon hara (yes, really) while the men davenned their guts out. I was engrossed, carried along on prayer, as were a few lovely younger women, beating my breast for a lifetime's worth of sins- in essence I felt rather like a baalat teshuva and I want you to know that the view from the other side ain't pretty .

I remember that half way through the davenning I unfocussed my eyes into the distance to rest and where did they alight? Through a veil of gorgeous lace they rested upon the other side, upon the men. In the unfocussed haze, at that very moment a man stirred within my vision; wearing a large white tallit, he prostrated himself. In one easy motion he stood, he knelt, he bent his body to the ground. It was as if he were participating in a supernal ballet, his movement so graceful, flowing to completion in one seamless, rolling wave- such surrender- that he looked like an angel...I remember him as an angel with those great flowing white wings of tallit. I was so moved. So awed. It was sublime. I wanted to be him. They say that on Yom Kippur we are like angels, but I never thought that I would actually see one or want to be like one!

The photograph that I happened upon- when you enlarge it, showed the potential bashert standing there dressed nicely and dangling tzitzit. Oh! Man oh man! What a tease! Waving at me, more than a fashion statement. And I love a guy in a tallit. It's damn sexy. Add tefillin and you have to scrape me off the ceiling, no lie! Going to a Reform service is usually such a let down- suits just don't do it for me. I'm thinking that if we want to reinterpret halacha to take into account current concerns, that perhaps we can find new reasons for the mechitza- like keeping women's yetzer hara dampened down, or perhaps just mine, if I ruled the world. I also find that Torah chant can be rather attractive- let's not even go there. So perhaps we should forbid a man's voice. In fact, why not stick the men in the back, keep them quiet and let the women run the services?

Well, this is my dirty little secret. I haven't found another woman who shares this preference, yet. Of course, our sages understood how erotic and intimate our connection with G-d can be when they added Shir HaShirim (The Song of Songs) to the Jewish Canon. And our mystical writings are drenched with intimate purpose. Man is a vessel for G-d in all ways, after all. And I know, so is Woman. In fact, I would love for someone to see a photo of me in my ivory cloud of a tallit, wearing tefillin (even I haven't seen me!), similar to the photos below, and swoon. Jewish pornography. At its best. Perhaps in another life.....